When Did You Learn You Didn't Have to Answer?

Disability, Boundaries, and the Questions Disabled Kids Grow Up Answering

Imagine you're a kid starting school.

You have mobility aids you've gotten used to. At home, they're simply part of your life. At medical appointments, doctors and nurses ask questions about your body because sometimes they need the answers.

But mostly, you're just you.

You have favourite songs, TV shows, hobbies, and things you could talk about for hours. You're excited about school. Maybe a little nervous.

Then another kid asks: “How do you go to the bathroom?”

Ah yes. An oldie and a favourite.

For many kids with physical disabilities, school may be one of their first experiences of discovering that other people are curious about their bodies—and that curiosity can come with surprisingly few boundaries.

When Answering Questions Has Always Been Normal

Think about what may have happened before that moment. A disabled child may already be accustomed to adults asking: Does this hurt? Can you move this? How do you get dressed? Do you need help going to the bathroom?

In healthcare, those questions can be necessary. Answering them accurately can sometimes mean the difference between getting appropriate care and not getting it. But then another seven-year-old asks how you pee. And suddenly the rules are different. Except nobody necessarily told you the rules had changed.

A child who has learned to answer questions about their body when someone asks may not automatically know: I don't have to answer this one.

That's an early lesson in boundaries that can be especially important for disabled children.

Curiosity Doesn't Mean You're Owed an Answer

The other child may not mean any harm. They might genuinely be curious. But curiosity doesn't create an obligation to disclose. A disabled child can answer if they want to. They can give the short version. They can say, “That's private.” They can say, “I don't want to talk about that.” Or they can redirect: “What's your favourite song? Mine's _____.”

Because maybe they don't want to talk about how they use the bathroom. Maybe they want to talk about music. That's a choice they're allowed to make. The lesson isn't that disability should never be discussed. It's that they get to decide what they share, when they share it, and with whom.

When Answering Becomes Automatic

Those childhood questions don't necessarily disappear as you get older.

Disabled adults can find themselves answering surprisingly personal questions about diagnoses, pain, mobility, relationships, sex, toileting, fertility, or medical history from people who wouldn't dream of asking a non-disabled person the same thing.

Sometimes answering becomes the quickest way to move past the disability. I'll explain it, satisfy your curiosity, and then maybe you'll see me as a person rather than a diagnosis.

Do that often enough and answering can become automatic. You may not even stop to ask: Do I actually want this person to know? And boundaries can become complicated in other ways, too.

Maybe you've learned to explain yourself because accommodations depend on providing enough justification. Maybe you've learned to be agreeable because you sometimes need other people's assistance. Maybe saying “It's fine” feels easier than risking being seen as difficult. Maybe you've spent so much time explaining your needs that you no longer notice how much information you're giving away.

Boundaries Are More Than Learning to Say No

This is where a disability-affirmative approach to boundaries can be different.

The question isn't simply: “Why can't you set better boundaries?” It's also: “What have your experiences taught you about what happens when you don't answer, explain, accommodate, or make things easier for everyone else?”

Then we can work on what you want to do differently. That might mean practising responses to invasive questions, role-playing difficult conversations, deciding what information you actually want to share, or working through the guilt that can show up when you don't explain yourself. Because knowing how to set a boundary is one thing. Believing you're allowed to have one can be something else entirely.

Knowing You Have a Choice

I keep coming back to that kid on the first day of school. Another child looks at their mobility aid and asks a question they weren't expecting.

Imagine if they already knew: I can answer if I want to. I can give a short answer. I can say that's private. I can change the subject. I get to decide what parts of me I share. A disabled person's body may require medical care. They may need assistance, accommodations, or advocacy. There may be situations where sharing personal information is important. But needing other people to know things about your body in some circumstances does not give everyone access to that information.

Your body may require care from other people. It still belongs to you.

If you're looking for disability-affirmative therapy in BC, I provide virtual counselling for teens and adults with physical disabilities, chronic illness, medical trauma, and advocacy fatigue. Learn more about Disability-Affirmative Therapy